Being married, having children, and having a life with that special someone is a real blessing. It should be beautiful, thoughtful, progressive, even through the very real challenges.
“In sickness and in health…” is deep. When you commit to someone, you are making a promise to stand by their side through the good, the bad, and the ugly. (Oh, the ugly!) Speaking of ugly, and I don’t mean physically – I mean emotionally draining depression, hormonal imbalances, and debilitating anxiety-type of ugly. You could say that would fit under “bad”, but when it becomes every day life, it’s plain ugly.
When my husband and I met, I felt normal-ish. I was working overnight shifts 50 hours a week. I was tired. I just attributed my fatigue to my work schedule and that was that. (This is the time I also didn’t take thyroid disease seriously and brushed it off.) Anyway, we were happy. Compared to now, I had so much energy. I wanted to go out. I didn’t feel like taking a nap on my days off. I was a girl on the go.
Over the last few years, my health started to plummet. I started gaining weight and then it hit me! I remembered my little thyroid problem. So, I was able to get Levothyroxine and it did nothing for me. I started noticing my libido was nearly nonexistent, not to mention feeling self-conscious with the rapid weight gain. Driving home from work was terrible with the brain-fog. I started falling asleep at my desk. (By this time, I was working in an office.) I started taking naps every chance I could fit one in. I eventually stopped wearing makeup and really just did not care at all. If I got a shower, I was good. I became extremely depressed.
With all of this came guilt. I have a family. I’m a wife and mother. It became difficult to really be interested in anything other than sleep. I was counting down the minutes until it was time to put the kids to bed. I love my kids with all my heart, but it was emotionally exhausting to even do normal things. I would start snapping at the people I love most about the simplest things. I wanted to be left alone. It sounds terrible, but that’s how my depression made me feel. I wanted to be bothered by no one.
My husband and I said our marriage vows and meant them. I feel guilty a majority of the time because I am pretty sure the symptoms and side effects of thyroid disease are not what he had in mind when he decided to marry me. I commend him for putting up with my mixed emotions at any given moment.
All that being said, I never intended to stay that way. I never thought I should just give up on improving my quality of life (and in turn, my family’s). I never want to “let myself go”. It has been a surreal journey this year (besides the obvious – 2020) of trying to figure out how to help myself from the inside, out. It takes time and patience and I feel very grateful that my family gives me grace. This type of support encourages me to never stop trying to manage my thyroid disease.